Ticking Clockwork- Chapter 3

[Graham Russell]

   Two metal cogs clicked together as Vince Varenheim, a young inventor and mechanic, placed them on their bolts. He smiled, satisfied that his work was done and climbed into the cockpit of the formerly broken vehicle. It was one of the miners walking drill machines; quite a few had been brought into his shop lately. There must have been a rush on the mining, he thought. He pressed a red button that read “start” and the engine rumbled to life. Vince tested the drill and a few more controls, then switched the vehicle off and climbed down from the cockpit. The two miners that had brought the machine to his shop were waiting in the next room, deep in conversation. Vince walked over to a red haired girl in a cream colored blouse and dark brown pants that were skin tight. Over that, she wore an oil-stained gray apron. Her hair was up in a pony tail, her head covered by a gray cap. Her big, blue eyes spotted him as she raised an eye brow.

   “You look rough,” she chuckled.

   “Do I?” he leaned on a table and winked at her, causing her to laugh. He then took a shiny, reflective hubcap and looked at himself. She was right. Grease smudged his face and white shirt, now yellowed because of the dirt. His faded gray pants had small tears in them, and his leather boots looked pretty sad. His usually perfect long brown hair was all over the place, like he had stuck his finger in an outlet. Big goggles resting on his head completed his appearance. He looked ridiculous. He laughed and shook his head, wanting a bath.

   “You ready to close shop, Nina?” he asked her. She nodded and walked away, taking a skeleton key from a hook on the wall.

   Vince went to inform the two miners that their machine was fixed, but stopped short when he overheard the conversation they were having.

   “...Yeah, Tides'll have us working overtime for a month now that he's found that door!”

   “No kidding...what do you think is behind it? I mean, those myths and stories about the gods cant actually be true, can they?”

   “Damn, I don't know. I honestly don't think there is anything behind it; no treasure, no 'final grace', nothing. A big waste of time if you ask me.”

   “I'm not so sure...what if the Final Grace is real? Ah, never mind. You think that mechanic is done yet? Lets just come back tomorrow, we'll see then...”

   Their voices faded and echoed in his ears like he was in a tunnel. They left the shop, leaving a frozen Vince in the silent room. Thoughts raced through his head, making him dizzy. The end is near, he thought. The Final Grace cant be set into play! I have to do something to stop this! If that door is opened, the evil that the great hero Deimos sealed away in ancient times will be set free again...

   His eyes widened and he bolted down the hall to where Nina was locking the back door.

   “Nina!” he yelled, crashing into her, almost knocking her over.

   She barley had time to respond and scold him for running into her before his mouth was moving a mile a minute. “Nina! Those miners! Did you hear them? They were talking about the Gate to the Final Grace, Nina! The owner of that mining company found it! That man named Tides! Nina, we have to do something!”

   She stood there with a blank look on her face, letting it all sink in. She blinked, and thought about it for a moment longer.

   “The...the stories we used to hear in the temples when we were young...? I thought I saw something in the newspaper about a gate being found...” She said slowly, pondering the statement as if it was a question directed to herself. Vince didn't give her any time to debate over it. He grabbed her hand a led her into the hallway, pointing in the direction of her room at the end of the hall. “Go get your things,” he told her. “We are going to catch the first train to that city. Don't forget that newspaper article...and Nina, just in case...bring your weapons.” He walked into his own room and shut the door, leaving Nina in the deserted hallway.

 

Previous- http://steampunkwriters.ning.com/group/personalwritingsofeverysort/...

 

Next- http://steampunkwriters.ning.com/group/personalwritingsofeverysort/...

[Peter Francis]

I'm not a professional at all mate so my advice is purely amateur, but there's lots written about "showing" and not "telling." It's more rewarding to read something where I make the connections and can figure things out for myself and not simply be told the way things are. It's a tough thing to have to get right and as I've said I'm not pretentious enough to think I know how to do any better than you do so you can take this or leave it.

 

What am I talking about? Show me that the character is an inventor and mechanic somehow, don't just tell me etc. There's a few places you could do it and it would make the read tighter.

 

I'm into the names and the overall narrative is good. I also reckon that the "final grace" is a good idea. Dialogue is supposed to be something loads of people struggle with but yours is decent here too. 

[Graham Russell]

Thanks, I'll keep that in mind ^_^